How to navigate the step-grandparent role with grace

Stacy Pellettieri has a biological daughter and a stepdaughter, both in their 20s, neither of whom is even pregnant. But she said she already knows how meeting the newborns will go if either eventually has a baby.

As family members gather in the hospital room for her stepdaughter’s child, and the biological grandmother walks in, “I’m going to make sure that grandmother holds the baby before I do,” Pellettieri said.

But when her biological daughter gives birth?

“I get first dibs.”

Plenty has been written about how to be a successful stepparent. But when a stepchild has a baby, the role of step-grandparent introduces a whole new dynamic to navigate. Stepparents likely feel excited and want to be part of the grandparenting experience, but they may be uncertain what their place will be and how they fit in, said Pellettieri, a social worker and owner of Long Island Counseling, with locations in East Meadow, Jericho, Rockville Centre, Melville and Huntington.

Pellettieri, other therapists and Long Island stepfamilies offered this advice on how to make the new family situation work.

PREGNANCY IS THEIR TIME

The expecting stepchild is going through a seismic life event, especially if it’s the first baby. “Everything in their life is about to change,” Pellettieri said. “They’re anxious. They have to adjust to a huge life shift.” It’s not the best time to be bringing up what you’re feeling and what you need as a grandparent — that can come later, she said. Right now, it should be about them. “Be more forgiving of where they are coming from,” Pellettieri said.

Waiting for their role to be defined may be tougher on a step-grandmother than a step-grandfather, said Pauline Walfisch, a social worker and owner of Helping Hands Psychotherapy in Rockville Centre and Bethpage. “In general — this is not 100% — women have a much more nurturing, caregiving role and perspective and are more likely to want to be involved and also may feel rejected if they cannot,” she said.

DON’T ASSIGN MEANING

You may be asked to move out of some photos with the biological grandparents. Maybe you won’t be asked to help plan a christening or baby naming. Take a step back and don’t assign meaning to decisions in a way that defeats you, Pellettieri said.

One of Pellettieri’s clients was upset that she wasn’t going to be called Grandma, assuming it meant she wasn’t important to the baby. But after she talked to her stepdaughter, she learned the reason had nothing to do with her. “I just know my mother, and if you have the same title my mother has, she’s going to be very upset and hurt,” the stepdaughter explained. Together they came up with another name.

Dan Prisco-Buxbaum, 39, an environmental geologist from Centereach, said his daughter calls her grandfather’s wife Nainai, the Chinese word for grandmother, because she’s Chinese. Prisco-Buxbaum’s father even took on the Chinese moniker for grandfather, Yeye, though he’s not Chinese.

Prisco-Buxbaum said his daughter, Cassie, 8, gets to celebrate Lunar New Year and make dumplings with her step-grandmother, experiences she otherwise might not have had.

“It’s as easy or hard as you want to make it,” he said. “Keeping it at arm’s length and stressing it’s a ‘step-grandmother’ creates a degree of separation there. Whenever you treat people as different or other, the more they feel left out of the family.”

Stefanie Baranello, 39, a nurse from Ronkonkoma, echoed that sentiment. Her children have two step-grandmothers — Baranello’s stepmother, Rebecca Fromcheck, 68, of New Hyde Park, and Baranello’s husband Joseph’s stepmother, Michele Baranello, 68, of Floral Park. Both are treated the same as biological grandparents.

“There is no ‘step’ in our family,” Baranello said. Her children — ages 9, 7 and 3 — call all the grandmothers Meema plus their first name. “My kids know they just have extra people to love,” she said. “We all operate on that mentality.”

It starts with the stepchild, Meema Michele said. “My stepchildren’s interaction with me trickles down to their own children,” she said. “Their own children see how there’s respect there and love and appreciation.”

Meema Rebecca agreed and added she doesn’t “feel one step removed.” And the children don’t know the difference between biological and step, they said.

IT’S NOT A COMPETITION

Stephanie Henriques, 40, of Westbury, a social worker at Helping Hands Psychotherapy in Rockville Centre, said she experienced the dynamic firsthand; she’s had step-grandparents since she was 18 months old.

She advises step-grandparents to be sensitive to the biological grandparents who may feel threatened by another grandparent entering the picture. Henriques said her biological grandmother initially felt her step-grandmother was trying to one-up her. Over time, things worked themselves out, Henriques said.

Sometimes, you may make a misstep, she said.

“It’s really just owning that,” she added. “Folks are not always going to get it right on the first try.”

Marisa Mortimer said her father and stepfather navigate the dual maternal grandfather dynamic with grace. “Neither of them has a big ego that would have made the situation uncomfortable for us,” said Mortimer, 44, of Bellmore, a school psychologist with two sons, Grayson, 7, and Noah, 3. “They’ll chat when we’re at family events. I’m sure it’s not always the most comfortable for them at certain times. It must be very hard to keep these feelings inside, not let them permeate a nice occasion like a birthday party.”

JOINING A FAMILY WHEN GRANDKIDS EXIST

If you marry into the family after your new stepchild already has children, or if your biological child marries someone who already has children, you may feel like an extra puzzle piece trying to figure out where you fit, said Laurie Zelinger, a psychologist in private practice in Cedarhurst. Be sensitive about encroaching on existing relationships, she advised. “When possible and with parental permission, I would have the child come up with a name for the step-grandparent,” Zelinger said. “Kids can be quite creative and often make up names that aren’t even real words but are endearing nonetheless.”

The new grandparent should also watch for signals about how close the grandchildren want to be at first. To build a relationship, find out what they are into — Minecraft? Spa treatments? — and engage with them on their terms, Zelinger suggested. “If the newcomer is flexible, warm and supportive, the relationship will have its best chance to grow,” she said.

Michael LoCasto, of Ronkonkoma, entered his step-grandchildren’s lives a couple of years ago, when they were already 9, 8 and 7 years old, said his stepdaughter Allison Bellone, 40, of Central Islip. It was initially hard on her oldest, who didn’t want it to seem like they were replacing their biological grandfather, who had died.

But LoCasto was open and welcoming and the bonds grew. “They naturally gravitated toward him because he was fun,” Bellone said. “He wanted to play games with them.” Now the children call him grandpa, and he took his granddaughters to a “special someone” dance, dressing up in a tuxedo as their date.

“I was a little nervous because you never know if you’re going to get along with the grandkids,” LoCasto said. “It’s been a great situation.”

JUDGMENT-FREE ROLE

Even biological grandparents have to sometimes hold back judgment about their adult children’s parenting choices, Walfisch pointed out. “As a step-grandparent, unless you have a really strong relationship with your stepchild, then treading even more carefully is going to be warranted,” she said.

If the relationship with the stepchild isn’t secure, it may be harder to build one with the grandchild, she added.

Samantha Lizana, 35, of Holbrook, who works for Suffolk County’s WIC program, said as the stepmother to one son and biological mother to another, even she struggles with knowing how much to discipline her stepchild compared to her biological child. “If there’s a stepchild involved, you’re always on edge,” she said. Lizana noted that she admires how her mother, Victoria Rose, 63, of Remsenburg — who has four biological grandchildren and four step-grandchildren — treats them all the same. Rose’s advice: “Don’t be opinionated. Always show up and ask if you can help.”

TALKING ABOUT IT

Some step-grandparents may feel a sense of grief if they’re not sharing the biological connection their spouse has with the child, Pellettieri said. “You can talk to your spouse about it, but in a way that doesn’t diminish their joy.”

If you feel left out and want to talk to the parents-to-be, first let them know how important they and their child are to you. Use what therapists refer to as “I statements,” Pellettieri said. For instance, “I’m sensing that you . . .” or “I’d like to understand . . .” Avoid accusations such as “You’re leaving me out” or “You don’t want me to be involved.” Understand and honor that they are the ones who get to decide how everyone will fit into the baby’s life, she said.

“It is possible to have a wonderful and loving step-grandparent relationship,” said Henriques, expressing gratitude for her own step-grandparents, who are now her young children’s step-great-grandparents. “I can’t express how lucky I am. They have really poured [love] into me and my children in ways I could never repay them for.”